Sally Scandal
by Proteinshake
Summary: Think you know everything there is to know about Gossip Girl? Well this is the REAL story about the UES "it girl" Selena van der Pushoversen and her friends Clair Wall, Charlie Crass, and Archie McSerious. Also starring Don and Janice Humpty.
1. Chapter 1

**PLEASE NOTE**** -- This is not actually fanfiction, but the original proposals for each episode of the CW hit series, Gossip Girl. I figured fans would appreciate seeing how the script changes as it goes fromthe rough draft to it's final form. If you ask me I'd say the original is far superior, but that's just one person's opinion. Read and decide for yourself which you like better.**

_**Pilot**_

* * *

Selena van der Pushoversen, Clair Wall, Charlie Crass, and Archie McSerious all used to be the best of friends way back in the day. So far back that they were all still virgins (loooooong time ago). But now they all hate Selena. Except for Archie because he wants to tap that ass, even though he is Clair's boyfriend.

SCANDALOUS!!

Selena went away for a long long time (a semester) and now she is back. She actually slept with Archie before she left even though Clair has been wanting a piece of that ever since kindergarten and Selena knew!

SCANDALOUS!!

* * *

"Hey did you see what's posted on Sally Scandal?" An ugly Brooklynder named Jessica Csar asked.

"No! What??" Janice Humpty replied. Janice was so excited to hear the news that she started jumping up and down and up and down. She was so excited that she peed a little bit and didn't notice. Shoes, socks, and Sally Scandal were the only four things in the entire world that Janice cared about.

"Selena van der Pushoversen is back from boring school in Utah!"

Don Humpty, Janice's older brother, was standing nearby and couldn't help over hearing. Selena van der Pushoversen, the love of his life who he had never talked to was back? He got hard in his pants just thinking about her long, curly/sometimes straight blonde hair.

Clair, who was in the other room giving Archie a blow job, was not so thrilled. She tried to stop Archie from leaving by biting his tongue. He asked her politely to get off and when she wouldn't he was forced to punch her repeatedly in the face. The police came and took Archie away.

"Ha! You have swine flu!" Clair called after him.

"Ha! You have AIDS!!" Archie replied. Clair was so sad that she spent all night throwing up in the toilet.

* * *

Selena was so hungry after the train ride back, but no one wanted to feed her because everyone hated her and thought she could lose some weight. Everyone but Charlie Crass that is. Charlie pretended to hate Selena when Clair was around, but in reality he did not think anorexic girls were hot and forced Selena to eat his you-know-what.

"Thanks!" Selena said when she was done. "Grilled cheese sammiches are my favorite!"

And by "thanks" Charlie assumed what Selena was really saying was "take me now." Charlie climbed on top of her and they started making out. Then Selena remembered that she was reformed now and should be using her giant tits for good instead of evil.

"Get off of me!" She screamed.

Charlie Crass didn't understand. "I thought you were slutty? Remember last year when I jerked off to you and Archie sealing the deal at that wedding? That balcony has an amazing view."

"I am. But... my tits."

"Oh. Right... Tits." They were both sad but understood why things would never work out between them.

* * *

Selena had been in such a hufflepuffle about not being able to get it on with Charlie Crass that she didn't even realize when she dropped her phone. Fortunately Don found it last night when he was at Selena's hotel trying to hook up with her, but Selena hardly even noticed Don that night.

The next day Don went back to the hotel and attempted to explain that he was only trying to return Selena's phone. But the security guard saw through his clever disguise and crushed Don Humpty's head in between his thighs.

Selena walked in at just that moment. "Um... am I interrupting something?" she cried out.

By now Don's head was filled with blood and he was trying his hardest not to explode all over the hotel. "Cell... phone..." he croaked and held up the phone for her to see.

"OMG! It's like my child! Thank you! I thought I lost it!" Selena said. Because Selena learned how to take care of her children by her mother's example.

Selena eventually called off her security guard and Don was able to breathe again. But his face was still red when Selena's mother walked in.

"What the hell is wrong with your face??" She asked hysterically (it was hysterical).

Selena avoided the question for Don by changing the topic. She told her mom that she was allowing/forcing Don to take her on a date in repayment for finding her cell phone. Don was going to go see his dad's band of saggy old men play but Selena decided that was like super lame and it would be way more fun to crash Clair's Hug on the Mug party.

* * *

Meanwhile, Charlie had gone to Archie's rescue and payed his bail. And the first thing Archie did once he got out of there was he set up dinner plans with Clair.

"So," he said in a serious tone, "I didn't really give you AIDS."

Clair was so relieved that she took a long sip of her margarita and sighed.

"But if I did," Archie continued, "I would have gotten them from Selena. We slept together last year."

Clair spit her drink all over his face (but he didn't mind because he's into that). "WHAT THE HELL??" she screeched.

"But I love you!" Archie replied.

"Aw. All is forgiven. I love you too!" Clair then gave a little bit more thought to what he just said. "Wait, why do you love me?"

"Shhh. Let's not ask silly questions."

Then Clair realized they were late to her party so they left.

* * *

Clair looked pretty pissed off to see Selena at her party, and Selena loved it because she's a dramawhore like that. "Isn't this so much fun?" she asked Don. But he was busy eating cheese squares.

Selena made Don escort her to the upstairs bathroom because there was a couple getting it on in the downstairs one. On the way up the stairs Selena stepped on something silky and almost fell over. She looked closer and saw it was Charlie's signature scarf so she picked it up. "Ew!" she said, throwing it back to the floor. "Why does Charlie's scarf smell like pre-pubescent girl??"

"Pre-pubescent girl??" Don said with a gasp. "That must be my sister Janice!" So they ran to the rooftop and found Charlie all over Janice, and Janice pretending like she didn't like it.

"Don! Help me!" Janice cried out. But there was nothing Don could do; he was far too weak to take on Charlie by himself. It was up to Selena van der Pushoversen to save the day.

Selena shouted, "Get off of her!" and then punched Charlie in the face with her giant left tit. It came flying toward him in slow motion and delivered a blow unlike any he had ever felt before.

"Noooo," Charlie shouted, but it was already too late. He flew backward upon impact and immediately started to form a black eye.

"You're life's over slut!" he yelled at her. Then he joined Clair downstairs and they both mean-mugged Selena as she, Don, and Janice drove off.

* * *

**A.N. Next chapter(/episode) will be posted in a few days. Enjoy!**


	2. Chapter 2

**PLEASE NOTE**** -- This is not actually fanfiction, but the original proposals for each episode of the CW hit series, Gossip Girl. I figured fans would appreciate seeing how the script changes as it goes from the rough draft to it's final form. If you ask me I'd say the original is far superior, but that's just one person's opinion. Read and decide for yourself which you like better.**

**_The Wild Brunch_  
**

**

* * *

**

Charlie's dad, Arthur decided to throw a crazy brunch for Charlie and all of Charlie's little friends. Except for Selena because everyone still hates her. Don and Janice Humpty don't get to come either because they are from Brooklyn and gross.

Meanwhile, Don and Janice were sitting together in their room discussing the previous day's events. "Hey remember when you almost got raped?" Don smiled at the thought. "Good times."

Janice replied, "Yeah. And remember when when Selena almost broke your nose for being a douchebag?"

"Yeaaaah," Don said. "Good times," they both said together. Then Don went off to try and bang Selena again. Third time's a charm, right?

* * *

Wrong.

Selena saw Don coming so she leaped out the third story window to avoid Don and his greasy Brooklyn hair. Then she went to Clair's house for some tequila and toast.

"Hey Clair," she asked once she arrived, "why you have so many haets for me?"

Clair sighed. She always hated having to explain everything to Selena. "You had sex with Archie, and my dad left my mom for another man." Clair said slowly.

"Wait... _another _man? Wouldn't that make your mom..."

Clair rolled her eyes. "You know what Selena, just... just tits or GTFO, okay?"

"What?" Selena cocked (zomg cock!) her head to the side in a confused fashion.

"You heard me! I said tits or GTFO!!" Clair shouted.

"Well in that case," Selena said, slowly inching her way over to Clair. Clair's pulse pounded in her throat as Selena got closer and closer. Just when Clair thought she couldn't take it anymore, Selena finally whispered, "I choose tits," in Clair's ear and ripped her shirt off.

But the fast movement caused Clair to snap out of it. "Whoa. Whoa. WOAH!" she said.

Selena was confused. "What's wrong?" she asked.

"You know, I always knew you were a whore, but I didn't take you for a lesbian too."

"So, does that mean you're not?"

"No!" And then Clair had had enough and forced Selena to leave.

* * *

Charlie began his morning with his daily exercise of kinky Asian three way sex, while Archie went off to try and tap Selena's ass again. Charlie came along too because he likes to watch.

But by the time they arrived at the hotel Don was already there, anxiously awaiting Selena's return. Charlie got PISSED OFF that Don was there so they got in an argument.

"Grr." said Charlie.

"Argh!" Don replied.

"Grr."

"Argh!"

"GRRR!!"

"ARGH!!"

And then Archie convinced Charlie that Don was from Brooklyn and not worth it so they left.

* * *

When Selena got back to the hotel Don was _still _there. "Don," she said, "what are you doing here?"

"Uhhhhhhhhhh." But at just that moment Selena's mom walked over.

_"Whew,"_ Don thought, _"Saved by the milf!"_

"SELENA!" her mom shouted. "I DEMAND YOU GO CRASH ARTHUR'S BRUNCH BECAUSE HE IS SCREWING TWENTY YEAR OLDS AND THAT PISSES ME OFF!"

And so Selena decided to go and crash the party once again. And she brought Don along for shits and giggles.

* * *

Clair was in the middle of a hot make out session with Archie when Selena came and ruined everything again. All Clair wants is to lose her virginity!! To get revenge on Selena Clair decided to tell Don all about Selena's little secret. Selena didn't want Don to find out because then even people from Brooklyn would hate her! *gasp*

Clair raced Selena down the stairs, and that's when everything turned into a **FUSTER CLUCK**! (ohohoho)

Don didn't understand Manhattan-speak very well so Clair tried to explain in terms that Don would understand. "So Janice told me that you do dirty things with your cat Cedric." Clair said. "Is that true?"

"No it's not true!" Don argued. He was offended by Clair's remark. "His name isn't Cedric anymore, it's Edward Cullen."

"Okay... Well imagine that Archie is Edward Cullen, and Selena is you."

"You mean Bella Swan?" Don interrupted.

"Bella Swan?" Clair asked. She had no idea what he was talking about.

"Yeah. When me and Edward Cullen play together, I'm Bella Swan. Sometimes Edward Cullen tears up my pillows because my dad won't get him declawed."

"Uh. Well any way, just imagine that Archie is Edward Cullen and Selena is Bella Swan."

"OH MY EFFING GOD?!?" Don shouted in shock. "Selena! How could you?? I always knew you were a whore, but I didn't take you for a lesbian too."

"But Archie is a guy! I promise!" Selena tried to defend herself but Don didn't want to here it. He stormed off because she just wasn't the person he thought she was!

Selena was depressed that even Don Humpty was too good for her, so she threw her child in the dumpster.

* * *

**A.N. ****Special thanks to enunciiate for transcribing the Blair/Serena scene for me! Make sure you all check out her fanfic as well! (no fer realz. do it!) Sorry this chapter was posted a little late. I still hate it but oh well. Next chapter will be better.  
**


	3. Chapter 3

**PLEASE NOTE**** -- This is not actually fanfiction, but the original proposals for each episode of the CW hit series, Gossip Girl. I figured fans would appreciate seeing how the script changes as it goes from the rough draft to it's final form. If you ask me I'd say the original is far superior, but that's just one person's opinion. Read and decide for yourself which you like better.**

**_Ivy Week_**

**_

* * *

_**

"It's Ivy week! And you know what that means!!" Queller had been drawling on and on about shit that no one cares about for thirty minutes now. Charlie got bored so he took a little special something out of his pocket and ate it.

Five minutes later Charlie was trying to keep his focus up on the front of the stage where Headmistress Queller was speaking, but it didn't help that she was talking so slow. "Annn I ...oap yoooooou awwll..."

Then Charlie heard someone call out from behind him. "Charliie," they said.

"Dude." Charlie turned to Archie. "Did you just say my name?"

Archie looked at him with his seriously confused face. "No. Hey are you feeeeeeelling okay?" He asked.

Charlie looked back at the stage. When he turned to talk to Archie again there was a pink unicorn sitting in Archie's seat. "Whoa!" And then a blue unicorn appeared on his other side. "What the FUCK?!"

The blue one said, "Let's go to Candy Mountain Charlie! We found a map!" And the pink one said, "Yeah Charlie! Candy Mountain! It'll be an adventure!"

"SHUT UP! I DON'T WANT TO GO!" Charlie shouted at them.

It was so loud that Headmistress Queller heard him. "Excuse me Charles?" she said.

Archie covered for him and said, "Sorry Headmistress. He isn't feeling too well right now." And she went on with speaking. Archie turned back to Charlie. "What's wroooooooong...."

Then the pink unicorn called out, "You're the banana king Charlie!"

"What?" Charlie replied. "No. No! I'm not! That doesn't even make sense. I don't even like bananas!"

"Then why do you spend so much time with Archie?" said the blue unicorn. "Archie, Charlie. Archiiiie." said the pink unicorn.

"You shut your whore!!" Charlie yelled at them. And that was the last thing he remembered.

* * *

One Hour Later.

Charlie slowly opened his eyes and saw a feminine figure hovering over him. "Archie?" he asked.

"Yeah. It's me. Glad to see you're finally making sense again." And then Archie turned around and called out behind him, "Cancel Plan B Selena! He's coming around. You can put your shirt back on."

"Awww." Charlie heard a sigh of disappointment from behind Archie. A minute later Selena came into view, and she was just fixing the last few buttons of her shirt.

"So what happened?" Selena said. "I was... er... _busy _this morning, so I just got here."

But Charlie ignored her, and turned to Archie, and put his hand in his pocket, and took something out of his pocket, and held out some drugs and said, "Dude. You have _got _to try this shit!!"

* * *

During Physical Education class, Selena and Clair were put on opposite teams for field hockey. Just before the whistle blew to start the game, Clair turned to Selena and said, "My name is Clair Wall, you slept with my boyfriend, prepare to die!"

Before Selena had time to process what was going on, the whistle was blown and the game had begun. Only Clair didn't go for the ball, she went straight for Selena's shins instead. There was a loud THWACK! and Selena was face down on the ground with a dirt-filled mouth.

"What the hell Clair??"

Clair laughed at the situation. "Don't try and act like you aren't used to getting down and dirty."

Selena shrugged. It's true.

Selena got up just in time to be knocked back down by Clair again. But this time Clair had taken it too far. Selena let out a battle cry from hell and dove at Clair, sending them both crashing to the ground.

"Get off of me!!" Clair yelled. But then she realized that she didn't really mind the situation they were in as much as she thought. Selena was on top of her, straddling Clair in between her thighs. They were both tired and breathing heavily, and Selena's hands were planted next to each side of Clair's head. Clair looked up and gasped at the way Selena was starring down at her. Never in the eleven years that they've known each other had Clair ever seen Selena's eyes like that. They were so full of tenderness and had a slight glaze over top of them. And then Clair noticed Selena's mouth, which was moist and hovering just out of reach, teasing her to come and get it. Slowly Clair raised her head and began closing the slight gap between their lips. Just another inch or two and --

"Clair! Selena!" Mr. Hopkins had to blow his whistle right in their ears before either girl heard him.

Clair threw Selena off of her and quickly stood up. Blood filled her cheeks as she brushed the dirt from her skirt. _Get it together Clair! _she told herself. Since when did Selena have this kind of effect on her? She hated Selena, always has always will. Well, she hasn't always... but that's beside the point!

Mr. Hopkins looked disapprovingly at both of them and yelled, "You're out of here Selena!" and forced her to leave.

* * *

Clair was mad that Selena left without saying goodbye to her, so she called up Charlie to have him find out the dirt on Selena. Charlie quickly agreed because like everyone on the Upper East Side, he is a whore for teh dramaz.

Charlie stealthily followed (obvious follow is obvious) behind Selena in his limo until they reached the Ostroff center. Charlie let out a gasp! Selena van der Pushoversen is a druggie/alcoholic?!

SCANDALOUS!!

Charlie took a photograph and reported back with the deets to Clair.

Clair then proceeded to hatch a crazy scheme! She would tell all of the Ivy reps that Selena is an insane drug addict and would be a lovely addition to their schools! Only she wouldn't be. Because no one likes a druggie.

Charlie smiled when Clair told him of her plans. "You're so damn clever!" he exclaimed.

She smiled and replied, "Well someone has to be the brains of this outfit."

And Charlie smirked and said, "Actually, I prefer my outfits naked." But there was no time for getting naked, so instead they left to go to the R3P prTy.

* * *

They got to the party and saw Archie and Selena getting some drinks from Don. But no one was really sure why Don was even there in the first place.

Little did they know that Don was actually poisoning the drinks to prove that "BROOKLYN RULEZ!!!"

Selena looked at him like he was crazy. "What did you just say?"

"Nothing... nothing..." And then he let out an evil laugh the second Selena was out of earshot. "Mwahahahahahahaha!" But little does Don know, normal people are not deathly allergic to lime juice.

* * *

Later in to the party Clair got up and made a speech about how much the Ostroff center helps people. "People like... SELENA VAN DER PUSHOVERSEN!!!"

There were gasps all throughout the crowd. Selena didn't try and deny it.

But later on Clair would be confronted by Selena's small homosexual brother Derek. "I was the one at the center!!" shouted Derek. "It was me you fool!"

Clair couldn't help but laugh. "What are you talking about Derek? You've never done drugs and the most you've ever had in one night is 10 shots."

"No... I DID THIS!!" Derek yelled and ripped off his sleeve in a dramatic fashion. This revealed his wrist which had nine scars on it. "I tried to kill myself nine times, but knives just bounce off me, like bullets through 50."

Clair felt kind of almost bad about the misunderstanding so she went to go hunt down Selena.

* * *

"I figured you'd be here," said Clair when she found Selena. "When ever something is bothering you, I can always find you here."

"Clair I--"

"No. I'm going first." Clair demanded and pulled out a letter from her pocket. "I wrote this while you were away at boarding school." She took a deep breath and began, "Dear Selena..."

Selena listened in awe as her best friend poured her heart out to her. When Clair was done Selena pulled the other girl into her arms and held her tightly. They stayed like that for a few hours until Selena finally pulled back and whispered, "Clair, I love you. I love you in a more-than-friends kind of way."

Clair's eyes filled with tears. "Selena... I can't."

This made Selena angry. "Why? Why not?" she asked.

"My mother, our friends, no one will ever understand."

Turns burned in Selena's bright blue eyes. "You're telling me you care more about your stupid reputation then you do about me?"

Clair rolled her eyes. Well that was _obvious. _But she didn't say that because she didn't want to hurt Selena's feelings.

Selena wanted to be mad at her, but Clair was just too cute when her lip was all pouty like that, so Selena couldn't stay mad. She pulled Clair back into her arms to restore their previous embrace. "Let's just be friends for now, okay?"

And as hard as that was for both of them, for now it would have to be enough.

* * *

**A.N. Poor Waldsen :( they are starcrossed lovers lol. Sorry it took forever to get this chapter out! I have a million excuses (I went to NYC, the season 2 finale was too amazing for me to be able to mock GG for a while, I'm trying to figure out what to do with my life next year) but honestly I just got lazy. :P Shit happens. I really appreciate anyone who takes the time out to read this ridiculousness. I'm in the process of writing some srs fanfics as well becuase I have so many ideas that can't get out of my head for season 3 plots. Not sure if I'm going to publish any yet, we'll see. Next chapter will be out sooner! Probably. Reviews help! 3**


End file.
